I’ve had a terrible case of the doubts today. It started this morning as I took my walk. I wondered why I was trying to do any of this — the brand, the business, the message. Who am I to promote being positive when so many things are going terribly in my life at this moment? Shouldn’t someone who has already found success with this mindset be a more suitable candidate for this lifestyle? Who in their right mind wants to be like me?
My kid is smart, but stubborn and a little lazy. He is not a straight A student. This year, he hasn’t even been a good student. Teachers call me at least once a month. In fact, while I was thinking about all of this today a teacher called me to discuss his “uncooperative nature.” At home, I constantly have to stay on him to do the simplest things. I try my best, but a lot of the time I do not feel like an effective parent. I ask myself if I had just stayed where I was and not pursued this if he’d be better off. I pray for answers, for healing, for something to turn this potential trainwreck around.
My bank accounts are empty. They hold on to dear life with a few dollars here and there. I save change in jars. I rarely buy anything other than necessities. I work gig to gig, and I’m getting by, but when I start to think of braces, college, things that are breaking or broken, and anything else that threatens to completely wipe us out financially, I get scared. I do know that I am protected by God’s provision, but I wonder if He gets tired of supernaturally providing the basics. How can I expect abundance when I keep Him so busy on the essentials?
Who am I to speak up for anyone else? I am not beautiful or graceful. I am not a spokesmodel. I have tried to write flowing, gorgeous passages, but that is not my style. Despite my best attempts, sometimes my words are, at best, clunky and functional (hopefully). Numerous writing workshops, classes, a degree in writing, and the best I can muster is standard communication. And while I have always enjoyed public speaking, I have days like today when I look at a crowd of people and wonder if anyone understands me or even cares about what I am trying to say.
I have days like today when I feel that this passion and vision was placed inside of me by accident or worse, as a cosmic joke. I’m not equipped with the right circumstance, the right personality, the right looks, the right kid to make the PIE life seem like anything other than a fraud. But that is when I realize that this is exactly why I have been called to spread this message. It’s because I’m just a messed up person with a messed up family living my life in a messed up world, and making the decision everyday, especially days like today, to appreciate that I am blessed in spite of it all and to stubbornly believe and persuade others to believe that we are better than our mess. I still believe that God will help me grow into the vision He created for me.