I’ve been thinking about roadblocks because I feel there’s a turn coming up soon that will take me on an unfamiliar road. I’ve gotten used to where I am, finally navigated most of the roadblocks (though I find myself cursing a pothole or two), and here we are again, quickly approaching change. I have a hard time accepting change, especially when it’s for my benefit.
I haven’t even gotten there yet, and already I’m afraid of what I may find. Part of it is experience, because I’ve made turns into terrible neighborhoods before. A couple of times it seemed I made residence in hostile houses. Experience tells me that this is another dead-end, another bloody accident, or worse, another place where I see others effortlessly slide into success and happiness while I sit on the side of the road with a busted transmission. Experience also tells me that sometimes those roadblocks have saved me from explosions that would have certainly led to my demise. I’ve sometimes put up invisible walls, and people on the other side have tried to drag me over, but finally, they have to walk away because the force of my imagination was stronger than their want of me to be in a good place with them.
Experience can be a good teacher, but right now it feels like a bully. I want to break free of all the disappointments of the past, and go boldly into this new place with restored faith and hope, but I remember hurt. I didn’t imagine that, and I wasn’t the only one who felt it. I remember the person I became in that hurt, and I don’t want to ever be that person again.
I want to be confident in God’s promises over my life. I stay in continuous prayer about accepting the something wonderful that He has just for me, because the part of me that has fallen short so many, many times knows that I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve another chance. I don’t deserve promotion. I don’t deserve prosperity, peace, wholeness, or love. What I deserve is the fall I’ve taken, the pain I’ve endured, the feast of my enemies that I’ve envied, the loneliness I’ve learned to mold into a companion called artistic angst. I have caused a lot of people a lot of pain. I deserve God’s wrath.
However, within these rough times, God has shown me grace, mercy, and favor. He has shown me unconditional love. He has readjusted my route with each roadblock so that I continue to keep my purpose at the forefront of my journey. My final destination is still Heaven, but my earthly destination is joy, peace, forgiveness, honor and love. My destination lies in the middle of all of them, and always has. I’ve just had a heck of a time getting there. And I don’t deserve it by deed, but it’s still mine by birthright. So often we call on God our Father without considering the blessedness of inheritance as His children.
I am His child, and that is enough. What He has for me is still for me. And I believe I’m finally ready to accept His gifts.
- Setting Goals (shaynalashway.com)